im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
