dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize