I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
