someone threw a dead crab at me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's always time for handjobs
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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