I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
