It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
