I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
