Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
