The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
