I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
