hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
