I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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