So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
