we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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