I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
