So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
