Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I enjoy the company of your penis
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
