You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
