I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
