i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
