Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
