Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
