Betty ford says i'm here all night
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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