matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
