Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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