There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize