I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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