I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The air was thick with penises
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
