Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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