I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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