i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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