There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Randomize
