I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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