Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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