after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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