My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
