next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
His nipple licking is glorious
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