how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
