You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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