T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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