I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
