When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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