Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
its liver damage thursday
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
