I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize