Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
