my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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