I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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