Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize