this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
