Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
