where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
