whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
