i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
