apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i came on her dog
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
