i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
