I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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