How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
