I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
