I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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