Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Why can't burritos get me drunk
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
